Parenting a two year old is such a wild ride. The other day, my son started the morning with an explosion of cuddles, followed immediately by refusing the blueberry muffins he had declared his very favorite the week before. Once we made it through breakfast, the daily Battle of Putting on Shoes was still ahead!
Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing a game of emotional ping pong with my kid. And that can be hard for both me and him to manage.
Fast-changing feelings and defiant behavior are developmentally appropriate for one to three year olds, says pediatric psychologist Roger Harrison. They're a way of building your kid's sense of self — and understanding their place in the world.
But for parents, they can often be a source of frustration, he says. When tantrums and power struggles arise from those emotions, it can be easy for us adults to lose our patience.
Reframing your toddler's boundary-pushing as a means of social and emotional learning might offer some relief, says Harrison, a division chief within the department of child and adolescent psychiatry at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
"When we understand the 'why' of certain behaviors and place them within an appropriate developmental context, it allows parents to step back from the emotion and address the behavior strategically," he says.
Harrison and other child development experts answer questions about common toddler behaviors — and offer advice on how to respond in the situation.
Why does my toddler … say "NO!" to everything, even to things they like?
A toddler's contrarian nature is just par for the course at this stage of development, says Harrison. In addition to developing more language and cognitive and motor skills at lightning speed, they're just beginning to understand that they are their own unique person separate from their caregivers. With this new awareness comes a need to test boundaries in order to establish independence.
"Part of that process of figuring out who I am is to learn me in opposition to all the things in the world," he says.
So if your toddler gives you a resounding "NO!" to his favorite popsicle or book before bedtime, what he might be actually doing is trying to flex his newly discovered self-awareness. His "no" could translate to, "Check this out, Mommy! I'm a person with my own mind and opinions now!"
⭐ Parent tip: What should you do if you need your child to say "yes" to, say, brushing their teeth, getting in their car seat or leaving the playground?
Model a calm response, then kindly but firmly let them know what's going to happen next, says Jamie Glowacki, a parenting and potty training coach and the author of Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler. You might say: Yes, we do need to leave the playground. You can either go down the slide one more time and walk out with me, or I can carry you out right now.
Why does my toddler … say everything is "mine"?
In Toddlerland, "the rules of ownership are different," Harrison says. "If it's mine, it's mine. If it's yours and I want it, it's also mine."
As a child starts to build their identity and independence, they'll often try to exert control over their environment through possession, Harrison says. It helps them understand themselves and their attachments in the world.
For example: my mom has black hair, so I have black hair. My sister has a cool toy, so I have a cool toy. I am a kid with black hair and a cool toy! Mine, mine, mine! By making claims like these, a toddler can test the boundaries of their environment to better define who they are.
So if your toddler claims every book in the library is hers or refuses to share even her least favorite stuffie on her playdate — don't stress, says Harrison. She's not being selfish, she's just stretching out that newfound sense of self.
⭐ Parent tip: If you want your kid to share, model then practice the behavior, says early childhood educator Chazz Lewis. For example, in the aftermath of a toy dispute with another child on the playground, teach your toddler to ask for a turn by reaching your palm out assertively and saying, "turn, please," he says. Do a few practice rounds before sending them back out to play.
Why does my toddler … want to lick/smash/crash into everything?
Does your little one love to spill every container they can get their hands on, lick colorful wallpaper or bounce against your living room like it's a life-size pinball machine?
They may simply be trying to gain some sensory information about their surroundings, says Layne Deyling Cherland, a longtime preschool teacher-turned-content creator who focuses on adult-toddler dynamics.
To them, every action and interaction is a chance to gather more data about themselves and how things work. "What's me and what's not me? What effect do I have on the world? That's what all this experimenting is," says Deyling Cherland.
They may also be craving proprioceptive input, like the deep pressure gained from tight hugs or the strength-building from climbing on playground equipment, she says.
Toddlers crave these types of sensory experiences in part because it builds up their internal sense of position and movement, which is important for coordination, balance and even self-regulation.
⭐ Parent tip: As long as she's safe, let your little one explore, says Deyling Cherland. Embracing weirdness or silliness can be an opportunity for connection and a key to disrupting power struggles.
Make an obstacle course with pillows and stuffies to get those zoomies out, then race through it together. Dole out some new or favorite snacks into separate bowls and have your picky eater play a game of blind taste-testing.
Why does my toddler … keep doing that thing I told them not to do 100 times?
No running in the kitchen! I said, don't run in the kitchen! You have 10 seconds to stop running in the kitchen or you're in big trouble, missy!
If you're repeating yourself a bunch with your toddler, you've likely already lost control of the situation, says Glowacki.
From a comprehension standpoint, your average toddler doesn't yet grasp the concept of negation, Lewis says. So when you say don't run in the kitchen, what your child is more likely to understand from that sentence is: run in the kitchen.
More importantly, simply telling a kid what you don't want them to do doesn't give them any tools for how to behave successfully in the future, he says.
⭐ Parent tip: Instead of telling your toddler what they're doing wrong, teach them how to solve the problem or what they should do instead, says Lewis. If you want your kid to stop running in the kitchen, you might say, "walk slowly in the kitchen." Or maybe, "please walk slowly and gently on the tile floor so you don't hurt yourself."
"Now, there's a chance they might actually do something different this time," Lewis says.
Why does my toddler … hate switching activities?
Wake up! Change clothes! Eat breakfast! Toddlers are bossed around all day long, often with little understanding and even less say in their daily schedule.
While toddlers thrive on routine and consistency, transitioning from one task to another can be frustrating, Glowacki says. The break in continuity can be unsettling, especially when they're immersed in an activity that gives them a sense of comfort and independence, like playtime or bath time. Those moments are also one of the very few pieces of the world she can exert any agency over, so that loss of control can feel acute.
Add to that hunger, sleepiness, overstimulation — daily factors that would stress out any other human — and those transition periods can become triggers for volatile emotions and tantrums, she says.
⭐ Parent tip: The next time your little one throws a fit about transitioning from playtime to dinnertime, try to remember that the change is huge for her, says Glowacki.
Put a little power back into her hands by offering two positive choices, Lewis says. For example: Blue plate or purple plate? Juice or milk? This gives her agency but allows you to safely steer her where she needs to go.
"The goal of toddlerhood is to give a child manageable pieces of personal power to practice with," Deyling Cherland says. "We want them to have practiced enough so that when they are this young adult going out into the world, they know, 'This is how I make decisions. My decisions do affect other people.' "
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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