PLEASE NOTE: This is a minimally-edited transcript that originates from a program that uses AI.
Anita Rao
This is Embodied, from PRX and WUNC. I’m Anita Rao. As an undocumented woman in her 20s, María Lopez’s dating life was complicated by more than just the usual stuff.
María Lopez
In the long run, I wanna be able to travel, I wanna be able to pursue a career that I want. And, um, and unfortunately in this system, it's with this number. So I had to be with someone that can provide that.
Anita Rao
Today on Embodied: one woman’s search for both love AND legal status. And why she created a humorous Instagram account to process her experience.
María Lopez
I decided to make fun of this system that keeps us, you know, struggling, even like in the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And people connected with my, with my jokes and my memes.
Anita Rao
Dating while undocumented....Just ahead on Embodied.
When María Lopez was six years old, her grandmother pulled her aside for a conversation about marriage.
María Lopez
She would talk to me about marrying someone with Papes. She wanted me to have this goal in the future to marry someone for status.
Anita Rao
María was undocumented, but young enough that she still didn't really know what that meant.
María Lopez
I didn't understand what she obviously knew and understood. I just kind of always thought, oh, grandma's saying something. Things silly.
Anita Rao
As María grew up and started pursuing relationships of her own, she began to comprehend the weight of her grandmother's advice. As a young woman without permanent legal status, there was an ever present tension for her to navigate between finding love and finding papers. This is Embodied our show about sex, relationships, and health. I'm Anita Rao.
In her twenties, María started talking openly about this tension between love and papers on Instagram. Her account is Les, which means Andi have papers. She's drawn in a community of more than. Thousand followers with her honest and often humorous takes on romance and legal status. She also shares a lot of herself on the account of her long and short relationships and of her experience as a recipient of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals Program or DACA.
But the story of how María started this community and where she's ended up in her search for romance begins with her family's relocation to the US from Mexico. It was 1999 and María was just about to turn five years old. Her family traveled to California, but her memories of the trip are foggy, as was her understanding of her family's immigration status.
María Lopez
My parents convinced me to accept the, the journey over here by telling me that we were gonna go to Disneyland. Oh, and this is a common. A actually a common thing that was really all that was in my head as a 4-year-old. Um, I obviously knew I wasn't born in California in the US but there wasn't ever a conversation with my parents until maybe I was high school aged and trying to figure out driver's license and college. So I didn't have any understanding of what. Being undocumented meant until I was maybe 16.
Anita Rao
Oh wow. How and when did that awareness really sink in?
María Lopez
It really sank in when I tried applying for colleges. And financial aid, and the counselors in my high school didn't really know what to do with, with my situation. I remember for fafsa, which is, you know, the federal financial aid, they were asking for a social security number and a, you know, a proof of legal residency, you know, or citizenship. And I knew I wasn't a citizen. And I called my mom because I was in like a workshop for students and like, she didn't really know how to respond to me saying like, well you are, you are a resident of California. And I think she was trying to be as protective as possible, but the counselor understood that, you know, I wasn't illegal. Permanent resident. I wasn't a citizen. I didn't have a social security number, and that was kind of where everything just shifted for me.
Anita Rao
You were getting into your first really serious relationship also at that time. How, how and when did you talk to your boyfriend about this realization and this shift?
María Lopez
I think it wasn't such a big deal at the time. It was just like a matter of fact at that time I wasn't thinking at all, like at all about marriage, about how I needed to adjust. Somehow. It just didn't seem like such a big deal as it kind of turned, as I grew older and and saw more of how this number that is assigned to you. Could be like the, the barrier to so many resources and so many opportunities.
Anita Rao
His parents were also immigrants. Right. So I'm curious about like, did, did you guys talk at all about the difference between your experience and his
María Lopez
Yeah, because we would talk about just his Americanization.
Anita Rao
Mm.
María Lopez
Because he had legal status in the us. Correct. He was a US born citizen, and because his parents were undocumented for so long, he never got to go to Mexico. Experience his culture out there or his family. So we would often do it kind of as a joke where I would make fun of him lacking that Mexican side to him.
Anita Rao
Mm. And uh. So about a year into your relationship, you did receive the deferred action for Childhood Arrivals or daca. The program created under the Obama administration designed to protect some young adults brought to the US as children from deportation, uh, offered some temporary work authorization. How did getting DACA change your thoughts about romance dating, kind of where you were in your life at that point?
María Lopez
I always received like these, uh, messages from my dad as well about, you know, studying and going to college, getting a degree, having a career to never depend on a man. So to me, DACA was almost like I can continue doing that. It, it had me like seeing a possibility of adjusting without. Necessarily having to get married to do that.
Anita Rao
And you're using the word adjusting, and I just, can you just explain what you mean when you use that phrase?
María Lopez
Adjusting meaning, being able to apply for legal, permanent residency, uhhuh, that's never been part of daca, but because of how. Immigration law was shifting. I think that was the hope. You know, like the good immigrant narrative, you know, go to school, get a degree, you'll, I remember listening to that a lot from my dad saying, you know, if you have a degree, maybe they'll grant you eventually, but that never, like merit was never a door to adjustment of status. I think when I was going to my, my late twenties, my parents were kind of like, well, it didn't work with daca. They're not gonna give Grant you, you know, a pathway to legalization. It's not gonna happen because you have all these degrees or education. So last resort, like, when is it gonna happen? When are you going to get married?
Anita Rao
So I wanna go back in time a little bit to you and this, uh, high school boyfriend. Uh, the two of you stayed together for six years. You went to college, you started a job, and then in November, 2016, president Trump got elected. And you have shared before that things really started to shift in your relationship. Tell me about what changed.
María Lopez
I got to take advantage of a program called Advanced Parole, and with DACA I was able to apply and be granted, um, like an exit and return. It's a travel document and I got to visit my, my home country, my family that I hadn't seen in since 1999 to 2016. Hmm. And I came back with like this urge and just this unexplored feeling of the world is so much bigger. There's so much more meaning to this life than to just, you know, be caged.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
So when I came back, I had these expectations of, okay, well we've been dating for a long time. I'm graduating college soon. Um, kind of looking to him like, what's your plan?
Anita Rao
Mm-hmm.
María Lopez
Like, what's next for us? And I think it, um, it was a lot for him, maybe for me to have that shift. And we tried to continue the relationship. We tried moving in together and doing all that. But at the end, like I had a goal and. It just, it didn't align with his. What was your goal? My goal was to adjust status through marriage. Mm-hmm. Um, I just didn't see the possibility any other way. I think that if your partner cares about you, your safety is a concern of theirs. And I did not feel safe with the new administration, uh, Trump's first, uh, term, and I felt like. If you cared about me, this would be also your, one of your goals is to have me safe in this country. And that that just wasn't a reality.
Anita Rao
What happened when you asked him about marriage, when you kind of put the facts to him like, we've been together for six years, like, I see this as our, as our future. What did he say?
María Lopez
Um, he said he wanted to. Wait until he was 25 for some reason. Okay. We were, I think 23 at the time, and it gave me uncommitted. Yeah. I felt like we've already committed so much time and you're just not seeing. This with the severity that I am seeing it. So his reasoning didn't make sense and also it became really like a, like a guilt trip because if he would tell me things like, well, this is what you're using me for, then I don't wanna be part of it. It just became very manipulative and it went dark really. Quickly. I felt like maybe if I met you last month and I'm asking you to marry me, maybe you can say something like, oh, you're using me for this. But we've been committed to each other for six years. I don't think I'm asking for. Anything out of this world.
Anita Rao
Just ahead, what it was like for María to start dating as a young, undocumented woman in her twenties. You're listening to Embodied from North Carolina Public Radio, a broadcast service of the University of North Carolina, a Chapel Hill. You can also hear Embodied as a podcast. Follow and subscribe on your platform of choice. We'll be right back.
This is Embodied. I'm Anita Rao. We're talking about the search for love and legal status with María Lopez when she was a teenager, María became part of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program. DACA gave her protected status from deportation and permission to work legally, but not long-term stability.
So when she was in her early twenties, María started talking to her boyfriend of six years about marriage. When President Trump threatened to end the DACA program, the conversations became more urgent. Overall, those talks didn't go well. Her boyfriend said he wanted to wait longer before getting married, and asked if she was using him for citizenship.
María eventually ended the relationship over the next couple of years. She was working through some big feelings about her search for both love and permanent legal status and to process it all, she created an Instagram account called es, which means, and does he have papers?
María Lopez
So for some time, I think I was tapping out out of long term or serious. Relationships because I was so young when I entered that relationship and I wanted to explore dating. Through as little commitment as possible. Yeah.
Anita Rao
Being in your early twenties, it's a fun time.
María Lopez
Yeah. Yeah. It is a fun time and I wanted to have that experience. So yeah, I kind of checked out of the whole serious relationship thing, but then I, I also understood that if there was something that eventually. You know, turned into something serious. I did have this in mind, like in the long run, I wanna be able to travel, I wanna be able to see my family, I wanna be able to continue going to school or pursue a career that I want. And unfortunately, in this system it's with this number. Yeah. And this permission, right? Like this legal permission to exist. So. I knew that if anything became serious, it had to be with someone that can provide that.
Anita Rao
You still had daca, but kind of at that moment, president Trump was moving to end the program. There was a lot of uncertainty about if or how it would continue. So you're saying that was affecting kind of your thoughts about needing a long-term partner?
María Lopez
Correct. Yeah.
Anita Rao
So you were shifting kind of in, in a lot of ways, but you were also exploring aspects of your identity that you hadn't been able to explore because you were in a long-term relationship. So you were kind of having this like sexual revolution on one, one hand, and then on the other hand, like really processing this big life change this. End of a six year relationship. And in this period, you started an Instagram page that you called, which means, and does he have papers? Tell me about what you wanted to explore with this account. Like where were you in your search at that moment?
María Lopez
I, I always tell people that this page started from a sad girl page. Okay. A sad girl moment because. It was a big shift at the end. Mm-hmm. I would post really serious like sad poems and then I started making fun of the situation because I felt like if you don't laugh, you'll cry. Mm-hmm. And I got interviewed by LA Times and that's when like people really started finding me. I think the title of that article was Love in the Era of daca. And I talked about all this and just how I decided to make fun of this system that keeps us, you know, struggling in not just like a, a political aspect, but even like in the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And people found me and people connected with my, with my jokes and my memes. I would talk about really, I guess to some folks it's like taboo topics. Mm-hmm. But because I saw folks just connecting to it and a lot of undocumented women connecting to it, I felt like, okay, I'm not the only one. There's so many of us out there struggling with the same. The same issue.
Anita Rao
So much of your early content is, yeah. You say it's sad girl, but you were also really funny from the beginning. Like I think your third or fourth post is like a meme that says, unlike daca, my love for you is permanent. Like, it's funny, it's funny, even when you were in your Sad Girl phase
María Lopez
in My Sad Girl era. Yeah.
Anita Rao
Like how did, you mentioned that like these, this, these other undocumented women were. Drawn to this community. What are some of the things that you started to hear that felt really resonant for you, like that other people were also experiencing dating while undocumented,
María Lopez
I started receiving messages about women also adding that checkbox of like citizen or not to their search. For a partner. You know, the also the experiences of not being able to share their status with their partner because the fear of them thinking that's what they are using them for, you know, to, to get out of this immigration status. And then I also heard the, this guy I was dating is a Trump supporter. Hmm. And how do I deal with that? How do I go about this? Is it fair to end the relationship or end, end it because of this?
Anita Rao
So how were you approaching disclosing your status when you were dating at this time?
María Lopez
I am, I think just naturally funny and like a joker. So I would ask about travel
Anita Rao
uhhuh
María Lopez
and I was also fishing for information about whether they can. Leave and come back, you know, because they're citizens or at least legal, permanent residence. Right. So I would ask about travel and if they would tell me, oh yeah, I just went to, you know, Mexico last year. Oh. And they would usually ask me like, where I have been. And I would say something like, oh, I haven't, you know, been able to leave. Or I guess I can leave, but I can't come back. And that's how I would kind of break, break the ice on that. And then they would ask, you know, if they're really clueless, like they have no idea, they would ask, oh, how come? And it would be like an educational opportunity. But if not, if they're familiar, somehow of those, like of other people that in their lives, they would say, oh wow. Like when did you come here? Like, the conversation would go a different, a different way.
Anita Rao
Did anyone ever end things with you because you disclosed that you were undocumented?
María Lopez
No, that it was never my experience with anyone.
Anita Rao
When someone disclosed to you that they were undocumented, how did you respond?
María Lopez
I would respond like, wow, we have something in common.
Anita Rao
Mm-hmm.
María Lopez
I would never shame somebody over that, but it was more of. Again, like me just being funny or goofy about it. It would always just be like, well, this won't work. You know, like, I can't help you and you can't help me, but we can trauma bond, you know? Would you say, would you really say that out loud? All of that? Yeah. I would say we can connect over this like shared experience and trauma, but realistically like this will not go very far.
Anita Rao
How would they respond?
María Lopez
I think a few men were really bummed about it, but others would, would also laugh because again, like I, I said, if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry. And then I had like the, also the experience of them trying to change my mind, even though I was very honest and clear. That was one of the dating lessons that I. That I held very, like strictly was honesty.
Anita Rao
Hmm.
María Lopez
And I'm gonna be very honest, like, because of our statuses, it just won't, it, it won't go very far.
Anita Rao
Did you have any grief about having to end relationships because of that reason?
María Lopez
Yeah, I did. There was like really good good guys. Mm-hmm. You know, like pretty much checked all the boxes and it was this one thing that I. That I knew was a big thing for me, but I would tell 'em like, you're an amazing person. You're gonna find, you know, the right person for you. It's just that this one part is important to me.
Anita Rao
How are you weighing in your mind at that juncture? The desire for love and connection versus this real need for status and security.
María Lopez
I just felt like it wasn't impossible to find both.
Anita Rao
Mm-hmm.
María Lopez
Although it, it was challenging for sure, and speaking to like the, the women that follow me too, like it is very rare to find both, because in one hand you have the, the connection. With other undocumented people, you have that connection, that shared experience. You talk about, you know, finding out how you, finding out when you were undocumented, like how that impacts your life, all of that. But then you don't have this, like this status, you know, that could eventually lead to more opportunities. And on the other hand, you're also looking for. For love or for like emotional connection. And it's always this one little thing of this number or this, like legal, uh, I say the, the permission to exist. Mm. And it was hard. That was really, really challenging to navigate.
Anita Rao
We talked earlier about. Your grandmother planting the seed really early in life for you to get married, to get papers. And at that juncture, kind of after your long-term relationship, when you were on the dating scene, you were the last undocumented of your siblings. So I'm, I'm curious about kind of what expectations you felt from your family at this point in your kind of early twenties when you. Weren't yet with someone permanently.
María Lopez
So, um, my mom was just a very, like, accepting of whatever decision I made. Like, I think towards the end of my twenties, she really didn't pressure me as much anymore. My dad was a little more, he's a little more strategic I think. And he was thinking of like long term, he's thinking like, I want my daughter to travel because this was, this was funny. My husband brings it up all the time with me being undocumented. I traveled more than my US citizen siblings. Wow. So my mom had this joke. I don't know if you, if there's like something similar in English, but. She would tell me, which means kind of like it directly translates to this is why, um, what is the, I guess a scorpion or uhhuh, that's why they don't fly. 'cause they're dangerous. So basically she's telling me that I'm limited in my status because I would go crazy. Like I would just hands off the rail. It would be too much. Almost. I think so I, I say this because I traveled more without status than my siblings who had that privilege.
Anita Rao
Hmm.
María Lopez
Who have that privilege. And I think that also says a lot to my like determination and unwillingness to accept these rules that were. Like imposed upon people like me, so my dad saw me as like, you would appreciate that privilege a lot more than people that just have it.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
So you gotta get married to get it. That was his thinking, I think.
Anita Rao
So about three years after you were kind of getting back into dating, you were running this account and you took a road trip to San Diego, and beforehand you had posted to your account asking for local recommendations, and one of your followers named Omar responded. Tell me about Omar and how you two met. Tell me about Omar and more about how you two met.
María Lopez
So, yes, Omar was my follower for a while. He followed me on my Instagram page since before I kind of made my face public. I was at the beginning very secretive and I didn't know how having a page like that would impact. I don't know, like my job. Mm-hmm. Anything, so I just didn't post my myself very often. And so he was a follower of mine and he is from Tijuana. And it's also very rare when men follow me because I do, I do talk a lot of a, a lot. I hold men accountable. Yeah. I like to say that. Yeah. And he would all me interact with the page. And he would say things like very, like, men should be held accountable, men should be taught lessons. And it's always women like teaching men. And it's unfair, like very, he hates being called a feminist, but that was the like the. Energy I was, yeah.
Anita Rao
Active in the comment section.
María Lopez
Yes, exactly. So when I went to San Diego and I asked for recommendations, he told me, Hey, I'm in Tijuana. I can show you some of the places I've mentioned to you and in San Diego. I'm happy to, you know, show you some local spots. Versus the touristy stuff. And I was super open to beating, you know, folks from my page. So yeah, I was, I was like, yeah, for sure. I'm, I'm down. And then that's how it kind of started, like my friendship in real life with this person started.
Anita Rao
So what were some of the kind of early conversations the two of you had about immigration status and relationships? Like he knew your story from following your page, but how did that kind of play out in conversations between you two?
María Lopez
Well, I learned more about him Uhhuh because obviously like he's not a o as open and public as I am. Or as I was at the time, he knew my stories and he knew my dating even like my dating experiences, things that I would just talk very openly about on the page. But just even from that first meetup, I understood that he had access to Mexico and the US like, and that he did it often. He's from Tijuana, so he would visit, you know, his hometown. Often, and I learned a little bit of his, um, well, I actually kind of learned the entire, the entire thing, like how he was undocumented. Mm. And he migrated at a later age. So at 17, which is also a whole different experience too. When he got to the US he, his goal was to be able to go back to have access to. Tijuana again versus I think when someone's young and grows up here, it just becomes so normalized to not leave. Yeah. So I got to know a lot more about him, I think, because he already knew so much of me.
Anita Rao
So he was undocumented when he came here, but by the time you two met, did he have citizenship?
María Lopez
Yeah, he was able to, like his mom adjusted all her. Her children by also getting married.
Anita Rao
So that must have been really interesting for you to kind of have those, like you had dated people kind of on both sides of that experience. Like folks who were undocumented, who you had kind of drawn a hard line of, I, I'm not gonna date you. And then folks who maybe didn't understand your experience or, and here is someone who has both. What was that like?
María Lopez
It was beautiful.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
I mean it all, it started as a friendship. Like off the bat, he was a very, he was just a different type of man too, because he had a lot of, um, I think conversations on. Like how dangerous it is for women to date. Like he would tell me things like, you know, I see my friends struggle all the time. They share their location with me to make sure that they're safe, things like that. But then I also, so I, I loved that about him and he also had the experience of being undocumented and have, and he had way harsher realities to deal with than I did because. He's also 10 years older than than I am. So he experienced being undocumented as like, no daca, no state financial aid. He worked in, like, as a farm worker, he, uh, had to find work, you know, without this number, this social security number. So it was also kind of me learning from his experiences too. So to me it was like I just listened to him and understood that this was not your typical person that you meet
Anita Rao
Just ahead. A marriage proposal finally comes for María, but it brings up some unexpected feelings. We'll be right back.
This is Embodied. I'm Anita Rao. For María Lopez, dating has long been about two things, finding love and finding a pathway to permanent legal status. María is a creator of the Instagram page, Papes. It started as a place for her to process her experiences of dating while undocumented through both humor and. Real talk. It has since evolved into a community of folks who connect online and in real life to bond over being Undocu Cuties. That's María's term. María met her now husband Omar, through her Instagram page. He knew her story from her account and they had important things in common. Omar had citizenship status when they met, but he shared with María that he too had been undocumented. Their friendship evolved into a romance. And it wasn't long before Omar and María started talking about marriage,
María Lopez
it was, um, early on, I wanna say like four months into, or five months into the, like the relationship who brought it up. He did. This was when it was Biden and Trump that were going to be.
Anita Rao
Like the 2020 election.
María Lopez
Yeah. Uhhuh. Yeah. And he saw this as a possibility for Trump to win again. So he brought up marriage and I just thought like, you're crazy. We just started dating like five months ago. I had known him for a few months more obviously, but still it just didn't feel like a fair thing to ask of him just yet. I also, I. Uh, so we were long distance for a long time, and I was also comfortable in that. Like, I have my own space. You have your own space. We see each other often, but not
Anita Rao
daily. Um, so was he talking, when he first talked to you about it, was he talking about it as like purely a, a logistical thing and y'all's relationship would. Evolve on its own course, like your romantic relationship or was he proposing like you're now gonna build a life together or, or do you even have a sense of how that conversation or how he felt about that conversation?
María Lopez
It was very strategic. Uhhuh, I think that's what it was, too. Like I felt like I deserve the bells and whistles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I deserve the bells and whistles and I'm not gonna, it almost felt like. I was resisting as much as I could. Mm. Against this country forcing me into a marriage. Like I was kind of navigating both, yeah. Ends of the spectrum. Like, yes, I need someone with status, with papers or citizenship, but I don't wanna jump right into it either. If I am gonna get married, I do want to love the person that I. I do that with, so it felt like too strategic, too cold, too, like rushed, and I just wasn't gonna go for it. And he also didn't pressure me. Like he presented it as a, uh, something that he was up for doing and something that he believed was necessary. And I'm like, thanks, but you know, I'm okay waiting a little bit longer.
Anita Rao
When did things shift for you of feeling like you did want to get engaged and, and you did want marriage to be on the table?
María Lopez
He surprised me like we were at that point. It was, I think three years into the relationship and. He's very good at thinking in the future, and it might be the age gap. I tell him, I don't know what it is, but I'm just going off vibes and he's like, no, Trump is gonna get elected again. Like, I can't risk, this is too much of a risk to like, mm-hmm. Put you in danger. So we had talked about marriage again, you know, throughout our relationship. But he proposed during a birthday trip to, we went to the US Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico, and he proposed in Puerto Rico, and it took me by surprise completely.
Anita Rao
How in that moment were you thinking about this love Iles question that had been on your mind for so long?
María Lopez
I felt like it existed.
Anita Rao
Hmm.
María Lopez
I found this wonderful person that, that I, I could identify with that I could. Be honest about my status and my, and my boundaries and my goals without feeling guilt or without feeling like that difference in power dynamic or them abusing that power dynamic and that understood and wanted me to be safe and to have opportunities. So I think that when someone. Approaches it from a, from a place of care.
Anita Rao
Hmm.
María Lopez
It hits different versus, oh, I'm gonna be used. You're using me. And people in my following would tell me all the time, like, this is so hard to find. You don't even know.
Anita Rao
Hmm. I was gonna ask about that. Like how did the community respond when you shared this life update?
María Lopez
Very supportive. Just so much beautiful support and well wishes and excitement because I did kind of bring my supporters through my journey. Mm-hmm. Like the entire journey. And some have been there since, you know, 2019 and saw my crazy. Hot girl era, single girl era, and saw me kind of go into. You know, a committed relationship and how wonderful he is and how I was able to connect with a lot. And he'll do like talks, uh, 'cause he's a professor, so he talks a lot about history and understanding how laws became laws in this country and how everything's connected and rooted in white supremacy so people connected to him. So they were very, very supportive and happy for us.
Anita Rao
So you two did get married in August of 2024, and you decided to adjust your status as soon as possible after getting married. And that is a process. It involves like a, a physical, all of this documentation, meeting with lawyers and interview, what part of that was the most emotional for you and, and for the two of you as a couple?
María Lopez
We got married in August, but elections happened in November and I think that was the most, I mean, it was a rollercoaster of emotions, but I think that realizing, you know, that he was right, that he, that Trump would be elected again and, um, just kind of going through the heaviness of what that meant for our community. Was really draining. Mm-hmm. And I also had these, like, as I was adjusting, I had these like random depressive moments of I felt like I was betraying my community.
Anita Rao
Hmm.
María Lopez
So I think those were the, the hardest. And thinking about my, my family, my parents, it, that was all like I would go through the motions in and out and kind of reminding myself that my community wanted what was best for me in this time.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
So my parents want the best for me because it was really only me. Thinking those things. No one outside was telling me this or you know, pointing the finger at at me saying like, you're a traitor. No, nothing. It was just all within me.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
And I lived with it for so long. That it almost felt like I was letting go of something that was part of me for so long. And even though it was awful in many, many ways, it um, it allowed me to meet really amazing people.
Anita Rao
Yeah. That's such a, like a complicated series of, of emotions to weigh this like, you know, relief and joy for a, a change and, and a feeling of security for you after so long. But also, yeah, as you said, like wondering whether you're betraying a, a community or, or a part of your own identity that had been such a big part. Of your life. Did you talk about this with your husband? Yeah.
María Lopez
He didn't get it at all.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
This was one of those things that we really disagreed with because to him it was like a sense of urgency. Like, we need to get this done. This is important. And also I see it from his, his experience too, right? He. Came into the country as an older, as a teenager, you know, almost, almost 18. And his goal the entire first few years he was here was to be able to go back and to have that freedom. And this was different for me. I carried this 26 years. And so we, like, we would often, I remember when, like during the election, I said, I'm not doing this. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna go through with the adjustment. Like I just became very like, resistant. And he said, no, girl, we already got married. We're like filling out the paperwork. Like this is important. And you're just reacting out of emotion right now.
Anita Rao
Where did the resistance come from?
María Lopez
I think I, I felt like. If they were going to kick out my parents, they were gonna take me to.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
So, or it felt like I, um, it was also very like if, uh, I just don't wanna be part of this country anymore. Yeah. I have felt so rejected by this country and it felt like I was accepting the rejection and like bowing down to to it.
Anita Rao
So you did become a permanent legal resident this summer. You got your green card in the mail, like how have you been feeling since that moment?
María Lopez
A little, uh, what do they call it? Having an identity crisis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's, it's been so long and a lot of my, I felt like I, I put in a lot of my personality almost into this identity, this forced identity. So I'm having a little bit of a. Of a moment where I'm just quieter or processing. So yeah, identity crisis. Yeah, for sure.
Anita Rao
You have been holding space for this community for so long, people sharing their stories. You do a lot of like open calls for questions and giving advice and I'm, I'm curious about like this particular. Moment where you still have this platform where you are talking about being undocumented and dating, you're telling stories, you are supporting other folks who are going through that. Like what advice do you have right now for undocumented folks trying to date and find love, given everything that's happening with immigration and customs enforcement and, and this, this moment.
María Lopez
I feel like I'm always split.
Anita Rao
Mm-hmm.
María Lopez
Because it's always, I want to encourage people to be strategic and intentional with their time and with their, like their experiences, their dating experiences. But I'm also about each individual doing what makes them happy.
Anita Rao
Yeah.
María Lopez
I had also met women who, you know, just said. This isn't a priority to me. This doesn't make or break me. I am going to date whoever makes me happy. And there's been, you know, people who are in relationships and they're both undocumented or documented. So I also find that that's beautiful because you have made that decision for yourself and said, this country's not gonna dictate how I love or how I find love. And I think that that's also very powerful and beautiful. Does that limit you? Absolutely. But does also, on the opposite end, does it limit you? Yeah, probably. Probably. On the other hand, you're maybe not meeting too many people who can connect with you in this sense. So yeah, I just find myself kind of jumping between, between those two uh, ends.
Anita Rao
What. Do you hope to give to this community moving forward? Now that you're navigating this new position yourself, these mixed feelings about having legal status, like what are you still hoping to offer?
María Lopez
Laughter
Anita Rao
Uhhuh.
María Lopez
I think that's what I've been offering. I'll tell folks like I am not necessarily. In a debate team, and I'm not necessarily like rioting, but I, I will make you laugh and I'm from a different perspective now. Right. I definitely now understand that I'm there to be a voice. Mm-hmm. Because there's so many folks that don't necessarily have the option to be loud and. I see my privilege and want to use it, uh, to the best of my ability to advocate as much, but also to make people laugh because I feel like that's what I've been praised for the most was like my humor is magic and. In, in really dark times, like this is the stuff that you don't necessarily think that people need. You think people need, oh know your rights workshops and red cards and a meeting with a, with an attorney to find their solutions. And you might not necessarily think of joy or laughter, but that is part of it too. So I've. Told people, do not let this system like rob you of your, of your laughter and your joy, because that's exactly how, how they end up winning.
Anita Rao
María, thank you so, so much for the conversation, all of your stories and your humor. I so appreciate it.
María Lopez
Thank you so, so much for having me. I really enjoyed this conversation.
Anita Rao
You can find out more about María Lopez and her Instagram page, @ytienepapeles at our website, embodiedwunc.org. You can find behind the scenes and bonus content for our show by following us on Instagram. Our handle is @embodiedWUNC. Today's episode was produced by Kaia Findlay and edited by Amanda Magnus. Wilson Sayre also provided editorial assistance. Nina Scott is our intern in Jenni Lawson, our technical director. Quilla wrote our theme music. This program is recorded at the American Tobacco Historic District, North Carolina Public Radio is a broadcast service of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm Anita Rao.