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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm the only man with a gold medal in anchor-manning (ph) - Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you so much, Bill. Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We have such a great show for you today. I can hardly wait to get to it. Later on, we're going to be talking to the brilliant comedian and actor Keegan-Michael Key. You may know him from "Key & Peele" and the new movie, "Don't Think Twice." Keegan, true - actually was once many years ago, when he was starting out, a panelist on this show. That is why so many of the brilliant sketches on his show "Key & Peele" revolved around limericks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You wondered. We want to hear about your influences, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHRIS MILLER: Hey, this is Chris from Bellefontaine, Ohio.

SAGAL: Bell fountain?

MILLER: Yeah, bell fountain - not spelled that way, but pronounced that way.

SAGAL: Because that's how you are in Ohio.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're just going to say it that way. Where is Bellefontaine?

MILLER: Kind of an hour from anything you've heard of, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Is it a federal witness relocation town?

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: Is your name Chris?

MILLER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAGAL: OK. Well, welcome to the show, Chris. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning whose new book, "Approval Junkie," has just been published by Crown Archetype. It's Faith Salie.

(APPLAUSE)

SALIE: Hello, Chris.

SAGAL: Next, it's an actor, director and comedian and a man with beautiful blue eyes. It's Bobcat Goldthwait

(APPLAUSE)

GOLDTHWAIT: Thank you.

SAGAL: And also a comedian who will be appearing at the Ice House in Pasadena on August 10 and on the new A&E show, "Black And White," it's Helen Hong.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG: Hi. Hello.

SAGAL: Chris, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is now going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, of course, you'll win our prize. That is the voice of Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

MILLER: I'm ready to play.

SAGAL: All right, Chris. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: There is great unity in my campaign - perhaps greater than ever before. I want to thank everyone for your tremendous support.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So that was somebody saying, nope, nothing wrong here. Everything's going great with his presidential campaign. Who was it?

MILLER: That was just Orwellian enough to be Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was, in fact, Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. Now, Mr. Trump had a pretty bad week, even for him, with literally too many gaffes and fights and bizarre misstatements than we actually have time to list.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maybe the best thing - the most positive thing he did all week was to get into a fight with a baby.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We don't know why. Maybe he just hates people with larger hands than he has.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SALIE: You know, I have little, little kids at home. And I have long been thinking that Trump acts like a little kid. But this week, I changed my mind because - well, let's see. Like Trump, you know, babies create a lot of crap.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: But unlike Trump, babies know when they have made crap, and they want you to change them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Right. Well, this is the thing, Faith. Funny you should mention that because...

GOLDTHWAIT: So where are you going with that? so...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I mean, I try not to work blue, but right now it's as if the diaper fell off and nobody's watched him and he was in the room by himself a long time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. It's not a pretty sight.

GOLDTHWAIT: No, it's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He - he careened so far off the rails - to the extent that he's ever had them - this week that there is talk of a, quote, "intervention" with various Trump friends like Newt Gingrich stepping in to talk to Trump about his behavior. First of all, the definition of having a serious problem is when Newt Gingrich...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...has to step in to fix it.

HONG: I don't have children, but isn't the way that you potty train a baby is by letting it sit in its own poop for, like, hours and hours and hours?

GOLDTHWAIT: You're going to be a great mom.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Just let him sit in it.

SAGAL: Wow.

HONG: Just let him sit in it.

GOLDTHWAIT: You know, in his defense, that baby was a jerk.

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I did not like the cut of that kid's jib.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: Kept bringing up why he didn't go to Vietnam.

SAGAL: Chris, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Don't put your head under water.

SAGAL: That was biomedical expert Valerie Harwood with a warning to all the swimmers preparing to compete where?

MILLER: Down in Rio for the Olympics.

SAGAL: Exactly, the Olympics.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yay.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Summer Olympics in Rio began this weekend, but the opening ceremonies almost didn't happen - and this is true - because organizers couldn't get into the stadium to rehearse because somebody lost the key.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's why, when you tuned in on Friday night, the first 20 minutes of the 2016 Olympics opening ceremony was just a janitor trying to jimmy the door with a coat-hanger.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then that didn't work, so they just put on a DVD of the Beijing opening ceremonies. Weren't they great?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I think the Russian athletes doped themselves so they didn't have to go.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SALIE: Well, the Olympics are going to be good for somebody because they made - they gave out 450,000 condoms in two days to the athletes.

HONG: That's just Brazil in general, isn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Isn't that, like, Thursday in Brazil?

SAGAL: I think they're trying to cover their entire bodies with the condoms to maintain...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Won't get infected...

HONG: Right.

SAGAL: ...by the venue.

SALIE: It'll help them swim faster.

SAGAL: Exactly.

GOLDTHWAIT: They look like Michelin tire men.

SAGAL: We love this. There might be an explanation for why everything has been going so disastrously wrong, at least leading up to these Olympics. And that is, according to The Guardian newspaper - and I swear to you this is true - part of the Olympic facilities were built on an ancient slave burial ground. This explains everything. Their curse...

SALIE: Wait, wait, but those slaves were well-fed and well-housed.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Here, Chris, is your last quote.

KURTIS: I've said it before and I'll say it again. All dentists are liars.

SAGAL: That was David Sims of The Atlantic responding with some temper to the news that came out this week that what might not be necessary after all?

MILLER: I believe - was it flossing?

SAGAL: It is flossing your teeth.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All Americans dutifully do every day - that is, they feel guilty about not flossing their teeth. But now it seems there's no proof, it turns out, that flossing does you any good at all.

SALIE: There is proof, it's on my mirror - when you get the food splats onto your mirror.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I think...

SALIE: Right?

GOLDTHWAIT: I think, like - you know, in the toothpaste ad where they say, 9 out of 10?

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: I think they found the guy.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: The guy who plays a little fast and loose...

SAGAL: Yeah, you other dentists thought I was crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I am devastated by this news. I mean, like, our whole lives have been a lie. Like, what's next, diet and exercise is baloney? Come on.

GOLDTHWAIT: I feel like all the guys that run the floss industry are in some dark room right now planning a hit on this guy.

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: We've got to take him out.

SAGAL: Well, what are they going to do with all the floss if nobody's using it to floss their teeth?

GOLDTHWAIT: Swimsuits for Brazil.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Chris do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three and oh - what a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Chris.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

MILLER: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'VE GOT NO STRINGS")

DICKIE JONES: (As Pinocchio, singing) I've got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret or make me frown. I had strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on me. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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