GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:
Welcome back to SNAP JUDGMENT from PRX and NPR, the "Detour" episode. My name is Glynn Washington, and you may remember Aesop. He once told a story about a race. And writer Amelia Gray, she checks back in with the runners several years later. SNAP JUDGMENT.
JASON YAMAS, BYLINE: (As the Hare) So there I was, running for all my might. This was a woodland course, so things are a little unclear, you know? I'm looking ahead of me, and all I see are branches, right? Maybe a branch looks like another runner, but then I see it's just one of those mossy branches. You know the type.
JULIA DEWITT, BYLINE: (As the Doctor) Hold your breath please.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) And I look behind me, all I see is more branches. And then you see that I'm looking behind when up comes this log.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) And exhale. And if you could, lift your haunch.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Sure. Anyway up comes - ouch - careful where you stick that.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Now, Hare, we need to talk about your condition.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Anyway, up comes this log. And I'm looking behind me, and I don't even see it. Now, this was years ago, mind you, but I was no kit.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Hare.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) I had the reflexes. I had the stamina. I feel woozy. I was no kit.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Hare.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) I had the - that's right.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Look, we did a full spectrum analysis after your collapse last week. We took a complete blood count. We did some protein tests. We did some antigen tests, calcitonin tests, alpha-fetoprotein tests - we did all the tests.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) I had the reflexes.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Hare, you have the cancer.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) The cancer?
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) I'm so sorry.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) That's not possible. I ran the Laporade Circuit (ph) last month.
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) Well, that doesn't mean you're not sick. But we do have a very aggressive treatment plan.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
ELIZA SMITH, BYLINE: (As the Nurse) Doctor? Sorry to interrupt. Your patient has a visitor.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) A visitor?
DEWITT: (As the Doctor) I'll give you two some privacy. I'll be back later to outline some treatment plans.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Treatment plans - what rot. I wonder who it could be? I haven't seen the March Hare in years - or maybe Cecily Parsley - maybe she'll sneak in a pint of that Cowslip wine. Hello? Hello there? Who's there? This bed is too high up. Come around the side so I can get a look at you. Hello? Is anyone here? Is someone playing a trick on me? It's cruel to play pranks, whoever you are, and I will have you know that if I had my strength, I'd give you such a thumping.
GEORGE GARRETT, BYLINE: (As the Tortoise) Hello.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Oh, it's you.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) You remember me? I'm the tortoise.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Yes, of course.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) We did that race together.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Oh, I remember.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) And you were very boastful.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Yes, I remember, I remember you. I'm very well aware of you and our story together - yes, thank you. They're giving anyone a race these days - just like they're giving anyone a medical license. Did you see that 25-year-old child in here with a stethoscope?
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) Do you mind if I sit?
YAMAS: (As the Hare) The medical industry, these days, they want to pump me full of poison and then tell me I'm poisoned. And then, obviously, then the bill comes, which is the real disease.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) This chair is very tall.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Just be careful with the IV. OK, perfect. Good - right there. I see you have some flowers taped to your back. Are those for me, or was that a cruel prank?
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) Those are for you. I can't quite reach.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) They wanted to charge me for this piss pot they've stuck under me. Can you imagine it? I told them if you want to charge me for this, then take it away. Just put some shredded newspaper in the corner, and I'll do it there. But, then, of course, they wanted to charge me for the shredded newspaper.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) They told me you're dying of the cancer.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Well, that's a delicate way to put it. If you must know, I'm beating the odds. I've been feeling sickly for a while, but I was taking multivitamins and running every day. Then I did a whole body cleanse every two weeks. I had a little stumble, is all, last week, and I'm getting my strength back. Something smells like a pond.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) I see.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Everybody's got to go sometime. You'll go. Maybe you'll get cancer and die next year. I can't imagine you'd have too much trouble succumbing to the odds as it were. No offense to you. But it takes some mental acuity.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) I'm not sure that tortoises can get the cancer.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Those flowers are lovely by the way. Very nice Easter lilies. Daylilies are my favorite, but they're a bit rare - a bit hard to find. You might find a daylily in a soup if you look in the right place. You'd have to race across the ocean, but you might just find it in China. Can you imagine? A flower in soup? Believe it or not - and I suggest you believe it.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) Friend, there was something I wanted to tell you.
YAMAS: (As the Hare) Look at what they did to my haunch. They shaved it. I look like I should be hanging in a butcher shop.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) Friend.
YAMAS: (As the Hare, crying) I guess you win buddy.
GARRETT: (As the Tortoise) It was never a race.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG)
WASHINGTON: You're here at the SNAP. We wish you the best of luck, Hare. That story was written by Amelia Gray. You can find more of Amelia's work at snapjudgement.org. We'll have a link. And the voice actors for that piece were the Hare - Jason Yamas; the Tortoise - George Garrett; the doctor - Julia DeWitt. The nurse was played by Eliza Smith, who also produced that piece with sound design by Leon Morimoto. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.